En général, lorsque je parle de quelque chose en public, c’est parce que j’ai trouvé une solution et que je veux partager la sagesse que j’ai apprise. Ce billet est loin d’être le cas. Je n’ai pas encore trouvé de solution, mais j’ai choisi de m’exprimer et d’en parler. J’ai toujours été attirée par les moments de bonheur et d’excitation.
Avant mon accident, j’étais obsédée par les bouffées de dopamine que me procuraient les rencontres, les aventures et les voyages. Je trouvais mon bonheur à travers des sources extérieures et je ne tardais pas à ressentir l’autre côté de l’émotion. J’avais tellement peur d’affronter ce soi-disant « autre côté » (la tristesse, la solitude, l’ennui…) que je me distrayais avec autre chose. J’avais besoin d’apprendre la leçon que mon bonheur est en fait interne à travers une expérience très dure.
J’ai vécu une expérience de mort imminente en 2019 et cela m’a physiquement forcé à ralentir et à faire face à mes démons internes. Allongé au lit pendant des minutes, des heures, des jours, des mois, juste moi et ma douleur, j’ai réalisé que j’avais refoulé beaucoup d’émotions. C’est à ce moment-là que j’ai eu mon réveil spirituel. J’ai appris à donner la priorité à ma pratique spirituelle. J’ai appris le pouvoir de ma respiration et que je peux me réaliser pleinement par moi-même parce qu’une force d’amour me guide. Si je m’en tenais là et vous faisais croire que j’ai vécu heureuse jusqu’à la fin de mes jours, je mentirais.
J’en arrive à l’instant présent. Quelques années plus tard, ces problèmes sont toujours là, mais ils prennent une forme différente. Je me rends compte que mes hauts sont les plus hauts et mes bas les plus bas. Je me sens coincé dans cette bataille avec mes émotions. Je me sens contrôlée par mon humeur et mes pensées plus souvent que je ne ressens la paix intérieure.
La plupart du temps, ma pratique spirituelle ne suffit pas. J’éprouve un sentiment d’euphorie temporaire, puis je m’effondre à nouveau. J’ai vraiment du mal à trouver un moyen d’atteindre un bonheur durable et une paix intérieure. Il y a des jours et des semaines où j’ai l’impression d’avoir tout maîtrisé, puis, tout à coup, je suis frappé par quelque chose d’imprévisible qui me fait retomber dans mes travers.
J’ai appris à identifier certains de ces déclencheurs et j’ai appris à mieux communiquer, mais je suis toujours victime de ces fluctuations. Dois-je simplement apprendre à accepter que je suis comme ça ou y a-t-il une réponse que je n’ai pas encore découverte ? Puissent mes guides m’éclairer à ce sujet. Je laisse aller.
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